My Journey To Becoming An Assistant Coach

The Early Years

I was created when God said "I need a human to take over my coolness responsibilities" and thus I was born. Ever since I could walk my parents knew I might be the greatest thing since Bob Ross or Stan Lee. Ever since I was eight I have had the need for success, no matter how small. I played sports such as basketball to itch that need. People complained that I was too rough in my wins but they where just to weak to look at my greatness. Teachers, such as my math teacher, would tell me daily how great I was at everything. I never let those praising words go to my head, I believe being humble is very important. Soon I was rising to the top of all school sports and my oppurtuninty arose. A chance to co-coach Jr. boys basketball. I was sent threats telling me not to take the spot. People where jealous of my immense skill and wanted nothing but for me to fail. My math teacher once again supported me saying it would be an honour to coach along side me. So I started a petition and got an estimated millions of signatures but that wasn't enough for the haters. So I stepped things up with a campaign of posters and religious celebrations in my name until people begged me to coach. I was once again on top and I am now coaching a team that could easily make it to Nationals. It's hard being this good, but you know what they say great greatness comes with great responsibility. But hey, even the sun gets bored having the world revolve around it, so I step in.

My Mission

It's my duty to help those who wish to be at least half as good as me. It's a big wish but possibly achievable. Below is a list you should follow to be greater and stronger. As God gave me his cool, it's my job to pass that cool on to the less fortunate.

• Friends are resources, when they've served their purpose just throw them away
• Friends are also weaknesses, they stand in the way of winning
• Other people don't feel pain so force them out of the way in order to win
• Winning isn't everything, donuts are also important
• Rules are just guidelines
• Annoy your opponent to the brink of a nervous break down in order to truly win
• Referees can legally be bribed
• It's only cheating if you get caught
• There's no rules against cheating, just rules against forms of cheating
• A ball to the face can look like a mistaken pass if you do it right

Results

Below are the pros and cons of following the above list.

Pros	Cons
Better performance	None
Higher level game play	None
People bowing down to you	Still none
More wins	Truly there’s none
Less humiliation	Not lying, still none